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Ready to dance my way to gladiator glutes and great abs in the new year

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By Lorrie Kinkade

By LORRIE KINKADE

Here we are more than a week into 2009 and things aren’t looking well on the resolution front.

As the clock wound down on 2008, I quietly resolved to make two changes to my life in the new year - I would stop smoking and lose 30 pounds.

Honestly I don’t know what I was thinking when it comes to the cigarettes. Over the years I have tried on several occasions to give up the smokes. One time, in 1995 I believe it was, I was successful at kicking the habit for nearly two years. But alas, this year I have discovered again that I am just not a very nice person without nicotine coursing through my system.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t go around kicking puppies or prank calling strangers - at least no more than usual – but for those couple of hours, I felt very angry and likely would have said some very mean things to people had I not have sequestered myself in my home and downed a couple gulps of Nyquil.

Not one to give up, however, I plan to visit my family physician soon for a few pharmaceutical aids in the mission of becoming smoke-free. The appointment will have to wait another month, though, as I have recently inherited 28 packs of menthol cigarettes from a deceased Texan. (That’s a story for a different day.)

Whether I go with the patch, the gum or some other method, I’m determined to find the path to becoming a non-smoker. At least, I think I am.

Next, on to the weight-loss idea.

As I write this, I’m drinking a sugary cappuccino and eating a pack of chocolate donuts. Thus, I don’t think dieting my way to 120 pounds is going to be the successful route.

But again, not one to give up on something I truly want, I have decided to turn my weight loss goal into an adventure of sorts.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I detest exercise. I have a treadmill sitting in my living room that would make an excellent coat rack if not for the three inches of dust covering it. (Those dust bunnies won’t just hitch a ride on your coat tails; they’ll steal your black leather jacket to wear when out clubbing with their friends.)

But as much as I hate sweating, I do love Sweating to the Oldies. I am genuinely infatuated with exercise videos, despite the fact that, until this week, I’ve never owned one. Beginning with Richard Simmon’s notorious VHS sweat-along, I believe I have watched the infomercial for every you’ll-be-having-so-much-fun-groovin’-to-the-music-you-won’t-realize-you’re-exercising video, but never been willing to shell out the $49.95 plus shipping and handling required to own one.

Now, however, thanks to thrift shops, flea markets, superstore clearance bins and the kindness of friends and strangers, I will attempt to thin my thighs, flatten my belly and sculpt my buns with the use of these instruction DVDs.

This week, I picked up a copy of Dancing with the Stars Latino Cardio and the American Gladiator workout. A copy of Hot Body Bootcamp was also tossed into my shopping cart, but at age 36, I think I have a better chance at hot flashes than a hot body.

My mission now is to workout with these videos three times per week. Each selection is guaranteed to get a three-week trial, and may last longer if my attention deficit disorder doesn’t kick in too quickly. I will also keep a food journal and participate in weekly weigh-ins that will include logging my measurements.

My goal is to lose 30 pounds and 3 pants sizes, increase my energy level and prove that pastries, Big Macs and burritos can be part of a weight-loss plan.

Wish me luck, as tonight I begin my journey with the American Gladiator “glute gauntlet.”

I’ll keep you updated.